Body Image: Revisited

First of all, thanks for the response. My readers have wise words. Some of those words, I was going to share with you (other thoughts are new). So, if you read the comment from my last post, I hope this isn't redundant.

Second, like I said in my last post: I don't want to sound preachy. If you have different parenting philosophies, share them. Also, remember that I've only been a parent for a year. That hardly makes me an expert.

Third, most of these ideas won't make much of a difference to my 1 year old, but if I think about these things long before she gets into jr. high we hopefully won't have a dilemma on our hands.

So, without further adieu, here are a few of the ideas I've come up with and read about giving my daughter a healthy body image.

1) Lead by example. If I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror every day or talk a lot about how I wish I had the same body I had before Miss Fifi was thought of, what would that say to my daughter? It might give her the impression that looks are pretty important. If I spend a lot of time telling my daughter how pretty she is and very little time talking to her about things that she has learned. She might possibly think that what she looks like is more important than her knowledge. Instead, live what you want to teach your children. If you don't want your daughter to hate her rear-end, don't be self-conscious about yours. If you want your daughter to love learning, love learning yourself, for example.

2) Focus on health. Instead of counting calories, talk about what healthy food does for our bodies. Get in the habit now to eat healthier meals. This is difficult, but over the last couple years, Rory and I have slowly changed some of our behaviors. (In full disclosure: we've got a long way to go.) If my daughter understands why eating good food is necessary, hopefully she will have a healthy relationship with food. (i.e. Not look to it for comfort or even see it as an obstacle.)

3) Compliment them on their behavior, intellect, and accomplishments more than their looks. This is one thing I learned (and whole-heartedly believe) from my mother's example. A few years ago my sister pointed out that my mom didn't often compliment us on our looks. Instead, she made sure to compliment us on how smart we were or our talents or when we were kind. When asked about that, my mother said something along the lines of: "Well, I always knew my babies were the cutest but I didn't think they needed to know that." This is one thing that really helped me. I feel that I got enough of a sense of the importance -in the world's view- of looking beautiful outside of the home. I am so grateful that it wasn't reinforced at home.

In Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein (referenced in my last post) she talked to Catherine Steiner-Adair, the director of eating disorders education and prevention at the Klarman Eating Distorders Center at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts, about this. Catherine said, "Well, 'You're beautiful' is not something you want to say over and over to your daughter, because it's not something that you want her to think is so important. That said, there are times when it is important to say it: when she's messy or sweaty, when she's not dressed up, so that she gets a sense that there is something naturally beautiful about her as a person. And it's also important to connect beauty and love. To say, 'I love you so much. Everything about you is beautiful to me--you are beautiful to me.' " I thought this was interesting.

Orenstein also wrote about doing research for a previous book by interviewing eighth grade girls. She said that she noticed that she would greet them by "commenting on some aspect of their appearance: their earrings, a new shirt, their hairstyles." She decided to stop. She would ask them "how a play rehearsal was going or what they were reading in English class." She said, "It felt surprisingly forced: physical compliments grease the conversational wheels among women and girls." I decided to do this myself, asking my niece about the sports she is involved in and my five year old primary girls about school. I have to admit, it is more difficult. I'm sure I'm not making some profound difference in these girls' lives, but for my own benefit, I want to get into this habit.

As Cali mentioned, as long as we are aware and conscious of these things, Rory and I will probably not have to be overly concerned and obsess about these issues. But I feel that the earlier we have this discussion, the less complicated things will have to be.

Your thoughts?

I'll try not to make my posts so long-winded in the future. Thanks for sticking with me on the last few posts.

-------------------------------

What I'm Listening To:

Artist: The Black Keys

Album: Attack & Release

I'm not sure if I've talked about the Black Keys before, but they are worth repeating if I did. (I should start keeping a list of what albums I talk about.)

Attack & Release made it's debut in 2008. My favorite song is probably I Got Mine which was number 23 on Rolling Stone's list of 100 Best Songs of 2008. The whole album is worth listening to.

The Black Keys are releasing their seventh studio album on December 6th called El Camino. (This would be an awesome Christmas gift. hint, hint) Their first officially release single is Lonely Boy. Listen to it. You won't regret it. I'm looking forward to what this album has to offer.

Body Image: The Hopes and Fears of a New Mother

I've started this post several times because I have so many thoughts on the subject. This might end up being several posts. Who knows? Also, I don't want to come off as preachy. I merely want to start a discussion.

First off, I count myself lucky. I have a wonderful family who loves, values, and supports me. I'm not talking about what I look like, but what I do and who I am as a person. Me.

My mother, through her words and actions let me know what was important in life. Both of my parents supported me when I was little and wanted to be an ice skater, an animator, a photographer, a guitar-playing singer/songwriter, etc. Through every thing they did (and still do), they let me know that what I do and who I am is much more important than what I look like. I needed that, growing up. Every girl needs to know that. Now that I'm a mother, I'm realizing how important those priorities are more and more.

While browsing Pinterest recently, I came across a certain pin several times. The photo was of a woman in a bikini with a long list of tips on losing weight. I didn't bother reading it until the twentieth time I saw it. These were NOT healthy tips, physically or mentally. There were 59 of them. Among them were: "Take a picture of yourself in a bathing suit... Look at it when you want to eat" and "When you get hunger pains curl into a ball, it makes them go away." It wasn't until tip number 27 that it said: "Join a pro-ana group or start your own website." They go on to share ideas on how to hide one's anorexia from their parents and friends. They get so much more disturbing that I won't share them. When I read these I wanted to cry. Why would someone put this much effort into fitting a cookie-cutter image? Why on earth were so many people pinning it? How can I raise a daughter in a world where how someone looks is so important that some are willing to go to such extreme measures?

If whoever it was that came up with the list of those 59 tips were to put half of that energy into something productive -like service, learning, making friends (for goodness-sake)- think of how much happier she could be. I feel bad for her. Seriously.

I recently read Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. (A very thought-provoking book, btw.) In it she references a comparison that Joan Jacobs Brumberg makes in her book The Body Project (This might be the next book I read.) of New Year's resolutions of girls at the end of the 19th and 20th centuries. They are:

"Resolved: to think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wander. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others."

and,

"I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can... I will try to lose weight, get new lenses, already got a new haircut, good makeup, new clothes and accessories."

It shouldn't be difficult to figure out when each statement was written. One is about becoming a better, more polite person by looking outward. The other -while it isn't destructive like the anorexia tips- is strictly about appearance. Why has society become so absorbed in appearance? As women, we have so many more opportunities than women had in the 19th century. Why have we become so much more shallow?

As her mother, I have so many hopes for my daughter's future. I want her to know that she can accomplish anything. I want her to love learning and reading. But, more importantly than those: I want her to have a healthy sense of self-worth. I want her to know that she is loved and valued for who she is, not what she looks like. I want her to be proud of her accomplishments, not what number a scale spits out. I want her to value actions over her dress size. How did my parents do it?

I'm going to end there. I'll probably share with you what I've come up with, so far, on the matter at a later time because I want to hear from you. How can I prevent my daughter from basing her sense of self-worth on the image she sees in the mirror?

Thoughts

I don't usually share my political views on the internet, but I'm becoming more bothered by the polarization of politics. Here are my thoughts:

As many know, quite a bit of the news media is bias or slanted. (I've read a couple of great books about this topic. First, The Culture of Fear by Barry Glassner. Second, Bias by Bernard Goldberg. I recommend both.) I'm constantly amazed by how often I find it and how little some people I talk to seem to mind. For several years I've gotten into the habit of getting my news from several sources to make sure I get the big picture before forming my own opinions. I don't claim to be well informed necessarily but when I do form an opinion, you can guess that I've done a bit of research.

I'm getting particularly annoyed by generalizations of the protestors taking part in Occupy Wall Street. I won't share my view of the actual movement, but I'm sick of all the bashing that is happening on both sides of the issues raised. The people in Zucotti park are getting more angry as well as those opposing them. Because of all the negativity going around, has any real progress been made?

In this opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal, Doug Schoen talks about a poll he conducted October 10th and 11th in Zuccotti Park. He contradicts his own survey of the protestors by concluding that; "What binds a large majority of the protesters together—regardless of age, socioeconomic status or education—is a deep commitment to left-wing policies: opposition to free-market capitalism and support for radical redistribution of wealth..." For one who conducted a poll such this, one might assume that he has a clear view of who the protestors are, making this statement sound like it might be legitimate. But, that isn't what the numbers say.

When I took a look at the actual poll, I found a different story. When asked "What frustrates you most about the political process in the United States?" Only 3% mentioned the "democratic/capitalist system." The largest portion of respondents (30%) said "Influence of corporate/moneyed/special interests." Not quite so outlandish, right? The part about "radical redistribution of wealth" also sounds pretty extreme, until you read the actual poll and find that when asked; "What would you like to see the Occupy Wall Street movement achieve?" a meager 4% said "Radical redistribution of wealth." The kicker: this was the only time any kind of redistribution of wealth was mentioned in the 5 page survey. I'd say four percent hardly "binds a large majority" of them.

Granted, Schoen's piece in the Wall Street Journal was presented as an opinion, but one might think that someone who cares enough about facts and numbers to conduct surveys of this sort would just let the facts speak for themselves. But no, he feels the need to draw conclusions that negates his own poll.

This is the kind of slant on facts -which is all over news outlets, and not just in the opinion pages- has reinforced my opinion that I can't depend on any one source of information when it comes to my own political views. If you think about it, how can we expect America to progress when we can't even agree upon the facts?

A copy of the entire Douglas Schoen poll is here.

So please, before you vote tomorrow, do your research. Make sure you have all the facts.

Things

Please note: Some of the contents of this blog post sways into complaining, on the verge of pity-party territory. I apologize.

I would like to be a better blogger, but I feel like things are so up in the air right now that I don't have much to blog about. Here is an update... Well, it's not even an update because there is much yet to be decided. So, here is my non-update:

Rory is finishing his Associate's degree in Pre-Electrical Engineering in December. After that, he has to transfer to a different school to finish his Bachelor's since UVU doesn't offer a EE Bachelor's degree. So, we'll probably be moving in a few months. Where to? We still don't know. We've thought about BYU. It would be nice because we wouldn't have to move, but between the classes he'd have to repeat (since they don't accept some credits from UVU) and religion classes it would tack on possibly an extra year to his degree. No thanks. We've narrowed it down to a couple of state schools. USU and U of U. Logan or Salt Lake City. Right now we are leaning towards U of U. That could change tomorrow. I don't know.

We are also coming to the realization that as Rory finishes his degree, we just might have to go into debt. The thought of debt makes me cringe.

The thought of moving farther away from family doesn't bother me. I think it will be good for us to not rely on family for babysitting and entertainment when we are bored and don't want to make dinner. Anyone else know how that is? Moving a little farther away will be an adventure. It's just not knowing where we need to look that I'm having the hardest time with. I'm a planner. I need time to work things out in my head and... well, plan. Not knowing where we'll be in five months scares me.

Part of me just wants to get the next couple years over with. I don't like thinking that way because A) That would mean I'm one of those people who live thinking; 'life will start as soon as...' (they graduate, they buy a house, they lose the extra 5 lbs. etc.) As cheesy as the old cliche is, it's true; "Happiness is a journey, not a destination." (If you know who first said or wrote it please, help a sister out.) And B) Could you imagine Miss Fifi skipping from 10 months old to almost 3 years. She's already growing way faster than I believe is fair. Skipping two years of her life is unimaginable.

Speaking of Miss Fifi; isn't she cute?

Because I am unable to solidify moving plans and such, I've focused my efforts on planning Miss Fifi's birthday party and knitting her a blanket. Her party will be awesome, trust me on that one. Would you like a sneak-peak of her blanket? Shhh... I need to trust that you won't tell her about it.

That's all you're getting for now. I didn't go with any of the patterns I listed in my previous post. (Found HERE.) I found this one soon after I published my last post and really liked it. I'll probably do the Escher one some day, but I decided that it wasn't baby enough for Miss Fifi.

------------------------------
What I'm Listening to:

Artist: Snow Patrol
Album: Eyes Open

It's just some good stuff I haven't heard in a while. You Could Be Happy is probably my favorite song on the album. Unfortunately, I never really paid attention to Snow Patrol until this album was released. It was their fourth album, did you know that? I didn't realize that. They are about to release their sixth album, actually. Crazy. I had no idea. I'm not sure if there is a release date for that, but they've got an EP due September 4th.

Rory and I were just talking and we realized that we both bought this album and Death Cab for Cutie's Plans at the same time before we met. (Are we soul-mates or what? haha)

A Tale of Two Dressings: Updated

Do you know when you realize something about your growing up years was uncommon but you didn't know it was uncommon at the time? It's not a bad thing by any means, just different. Well, last week I realized something like that. In my parent's home you will find, at any given moment, between 10 to 15 different kinds of salad dressing. I'm not exaggerating. Did you even know that there were that many varieties? We always had several options. I never even knew Paul Newman was anything other that a salad dressing maker 'til I was in high school. I guess you might call some of my family members condiment connoisseurs. I just never realized that having 12 varieties of dressing on the table for dinner wasn't commonplace. I was just talking to Rory and he said that he only ever remembers his family having ranch dressing. They always had it, but that's all they ever really had. It made me kind of sad. During our conversation I mentioned that I'm generally a 1,000 Island girl but I do love a good Italian Dressing. To that he said he didn't think he ever tried Italian Dressing it until he was like 21! Now that's just crazy! I'm so glad that I had several options besides Ranch growing up otherwise I probably wouldn't have liked salad. I've grown to appreciate it now, but I hated Ranch as a kid. Am I crazy?! I thought I'd just share that with you...

Anyway, after sharing my Italian Seasoning Revolution, I went back to Winco and got all of the spices and herbs to make Italian Dressing Mix and Ranch Dressing Mix. I tried them out over the weekend and brought them to a few family/friend festivities along with a salad, of course. Both were very simple but turned out pretty well. I thought I'd share the recipes.

The first was Ranch dressing mix.

The Ranch Dressing Mix Recipe:

1/2 cup Dry Buttermilk

(I couldn't find dry buttermilk, so I replaced it with lowfat instant milk. I found out later that regular powdered milk isn't the best substitute for dry buttermilk... Oops. It worked out okay though)

1 Tbsp Parsley

1 Tsp Dill Weed

1 Tsp Onion Powder

1 Tsp Onion Flakes

1 Tsp Salt

1 Tsp Cilantro

(the recipe didn't call for this, but I love me some cilantro.)

1/2 Tsp Garlic Powder

1/2 Tsp Ground Pepper

Here is the recipe for the dressing:

1 Tbsp Mix

1 Cup Mayonnaise

1 Cup Milk

The dressing tasted good but turned out a little too runny for my taste. Rory and I tried to thicken it up by playing around with the proportions and adding a couple things but to no avail. I think it was worth it to try though.

Next was the Italian Dressing.

The Italian Dressing Mix:

2 Tbsp Oregano

2 Tbsp Salt

1 Tbsp Garlic Salt

1 Tbsp Onion Powder

1 Tbsp Sugar

1 Tbsp Parsley

1 Tsp Black Pepper

1 Tsp Basil

1/2 Tsp Thyme

1/4 Tsp Minced Onions

For the dressing itself:

2 Tbsp Mix

2/3 Cup Canola Oil

1/4 Cup White Vinegar

2 Tbsp Water

The Italian Dressing turned out really well. I loved it. If you are going to try one of these recipes, I recommend this one.

-----------------------------

What I'm listening to:

Right now, I'm listening to Dan Auerbach's album Keep It Hid. When The Night Comes is probably my favorite song on the album.

Dan Auerbach is the singer for the duo The Black Keys. If you haven't heard of them, I pitty you. I LOVE them. They are so bluesy, raw, and brilliant.

Aardvarks and Thoughts on Fatherhood

I bet you are wondering how I'm going to incorporate these subjects into one blog post. It sounds like the ingredients of a bad joke to me.

So, a father and an aardvark walk into a bar, and the bartender says...

Awkward...

Last week I realized how close we live to a Library. And because, in the words of a very wise aardvark, "Having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card" I decided to get one. (I may or may not have been singing that in my head while I was there.) I don't care for novels, I prefer non-fiction, make you think about things differently type stuff. I found a book along those same lines called The Culture of Fear: Why Americans are afraid of the wrong things by Barry Glassner. It is really interesting. I don't necessarily agree with his point of view on some things, but I'm learning a lot.

The chapter I'm currently reading talks about single moms and teenage moms. He writes about something that is very worthy of discussion. He brings up the point that many times people talk about the absence of fathers being a bad thing. And I agree that a child is definitely better off with a good father in their life. As President Bill Clinton during a speech at the University of Texas in 1995 puts it "the single biggest social problem in our society may be the growing absence of fathers." But Barry Glassner says that fatherhood is more than that. He suggests that by that standard; "mothers, who are deemed deficient on account of what they do or what they believe, dads are judged on whether or not they're around. Men's mere presence is apparently adequate to save their children and the nation from ruin." It's an interesting comparison. A good father is more than one who is simply there.

Which brings up my question: What is a good father? I'm not eloquent enough to describe this fully, but I believe in the words of whomever (whoever?) it was who said; "The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother." (My google search resulted in a few different people allegedly saying that.) While this makes the role of a father very much simplistic still, I believe that if a father were to make this a priority, all the other factors would more easily fall into place. What are your thoughts? What makes a good father?

In spirit of the upcoming holiday, an ode to the wonderful fathers in my life:

My dad: Thank you for both loving my mother and teaching me, among countless other things, what to look for in the future father of my children.

My father-in-law: Thank you for loving the mother of the future father of my children and teaching the future father of my children what it means to be a man and father. (That's a mouthful.)

Isn't that a cute mullet on Rory?

The father of my Miss Fifi: Thank you for both loving the mother of your child, and following your own father's example of how to be a good father.

And thanks for not sacrificing our child to the lion at the zoo.